Traffic jams, that symphony of honking horns and brake lights, are a shared experience for many. But instead of succumbing to road rage, why not lighten the mood with a few well-placed traffic jokes? A good pun can turn a frustrating wait into a moment of shared laughter, and who knows, maybe even diffuse some tension on the road. So, buckle up, because we’re about to take a hilarious detour into the world of traffic humor. Get ready for a journey filled with puns, one-liners, and observations that will make you see traffic in a whole new, lighter way.

Car Puns

Cars, those dependable four-wheeled companions, are a treasure trove of comedic potential. With their diverse makes, models, and occasional malfunctions, they provide endless inspiration for clever wordplay. Get ready to roll with laughter as we explore the pun-tastic side of automobiles.

Here’s a list of puns to make you smile:

  1. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Much like that mold on my car after the rain!
  2. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired! Just like my car battery on a cold morning.
  3. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry! Maybe it’s sad because it’s stuck in traffic.
  4. Why don’t skeletons play the trombone? They have no guts! My car, on the other hand, has plenty… spread across the dashboard.
  5. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it! Just like I do when I finally break free from traffic.
  6. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! What could be worse than that concert? Being stuck in gridlock trying to get there!
  7. I went to buy a new pair of camouflage trousers yesterday, but I couldn’t find any! Maybe they were stuck in traffic along with me.
  8. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! Unless you steal it out of someone else’s car while you’re stuck in traffic.
  9. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! I’m outstanding in the field I’m stuck in… of vehicles.
  10. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed! Just like the glove compartment in my car.
  11. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! I sneeze a lot less when I’m not stuck in traffic.
  12. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! My car also has a lot of weird noises going on now that I think about it.
  13. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! My car also decided to stick around in traffic today.
  14. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine! That’s what I want when I’m stuck in traffic.
  15. Why did the coffee go to the police? It got mugged! So did I by this crazy gas price on the way to work.
  16. What shirt should you wear to a tea party? A t-shirt! I guess all I have to wear is a seatbelt, because I’m stuck in car.
  17. What do you call a messy pig? A disgruntaled! Just like everyone driving in a traffic jam.
  18. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere. And this traffic is as thick as the moon.
  19. Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools! I can use a school right now to cut this traffic jam.
  20. Do you want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it. Just like they’re still working on the road I’m on.
  21. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! This traffic jam sounds like an impasta, but it looks like a nightmare.
  22. Why did the invisible man turn down the job? He couldn’t see himself doing it. And I can’t see what I’m doing in this car in traffic
  23. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! That’s what I’m going to be when I get home from today, after all this traffic.
  24. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up! Just like all of us are cracking up sitting bored in traffic.
  25. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! I wish there were igloos around here, then I’d be near the arctic and not in this traffic jam.
  26. What do you call a sad coffee? Depresso. That’s an expression I wear every morning when I get ready to come to work through traffic
  27. What did the math book say to the guidance counselor? I have so many problems! That’s I have as well, because I’m struggling right now in traffic.
  28. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired! Just like I’m going to be after getting through traffic.
  29. Why did the old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well! Just like my well running day got ruined by traffic
  30. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Just like the traffic report made up the fact that the road was easy today.
  31. Why did Shakespeare only write in pen? Pencils confused him; 2B or not 2B? All I see around me is a sea of B’s (cars) while I sit in traffic.
  32. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they resisting a rest? Unfortunately for me, traffic is giving me a forced rest.
  33. What did one hat say to the other? Stay here, I’m going on ahead! I wish my car hat was as sentient as this, I’m sure it’d find a route around traffic.
  34. What happens when you anger a bunch of architects? They’ll get concrete on you! As in solid concrete where I’m parked in this traffic jam.
  35. Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” Probably would be a better driver than some people in traffic.

Driver Puns

Beyond the vehicles themselves, the drivers behind the wheel offer a wealth of comedic material. From cautious commuters to aggressive speed demons, the diverse personalities on the road provide endless opportunities for observational humor and relatable puns. Get ready to honk with laughter at these driver-related jokes.

Here’s a list of puns to get you started:

  1. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! Just like my phone when I’m stuck in traffic, though I try not to.
  2. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! Also, what you call someone that cuts me off in traffic.
  3. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough! So I became a driver stuck in a traffic jam.
  4. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! Just like me and my destination, at this rate. Thanks, traffic!
  5. Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they are shellfish! Just like the person who caused this backup.
  6. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! Also, what you call people who are too old to drvie.
  7. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised! Just like I looked when I saw this traffic.
  8. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato! And people who park in the fast lane.
  9. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls! Seagulls should direct traffic for us, the bay is easier to cross.
  10. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it! And do not try to beat traffic, it will beat you.
  11. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless you push him down the stairs. And unless you get into a collision with another driver
  12. I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came completely out of the green! And out of the stop light, because I sat there not knowing it was green.
  13. I hate Russian dolls… they’re so full of themselves! Just like the driver who cut me off to get into the next lane 3 feet ahead.
  14. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! Just like most of the drivers I pass are sticks in the mud, driving slow.
  15. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired! Just like most drivers sitting in their cars.
  16. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! And what do you call half the drivers on the road? Horrible.
  17. What do you call a sad coffee? Depresso. That’s the expression I wear from coming to work with all this traffic.
  18. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! All the traffic noises I sit in is definitely noise pollution.
  19. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! And the way some people drive, they should not chose to.
  20. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up! Like I’m cracking up slowly sitting in this traffic!
  21. What shirt should you wear to a tea party? A t-shirt! I’d wear whatever’s clean, because I barely have time to do laundry with this drive.
  22. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! I had a little igloo of stress I built up sitting in traffic.
  23. Why did the math book say to the guidance counselor? I have so many problems! Which I have too, because I’m sitting in traffic.
  24. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! And what do you call the person ahead of me who won’t move? Annoying.
  25. Why did the old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well! And why did the other driver not see me slowing down? Because of course.
  26. What do you call a messy pig? A disgruntaled! That’s what I’m going to be if I sit here any longer.
  27. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! And what do people who drive slow have? Sticks up the rear.
  28. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! And why am I sneezing now from sitting in traffic? Stress.
  29. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine! Which is what I’m GOING to DO thanks to traffic.
  30. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! And traffic patrol is making up the fact that it’s not too bad.
  31. Why don’t skeletons play the trombone? They have no guts! No guts no glory, traffic will swallow your dreams for lunch.
  32. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. I could use this growth to plug up the nose with this terrible traffic right now.
  33. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! That’s what I”A DO to the next guy who cuts me off.
  34. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! Maybe I should brush up on my sax skills, because it’s all I’ll have time for.
  35. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! Just like me and my destination.

Road Work Puns

Ah, road work – the bane of every commuter’s existence. But even amidst the orange cones and flag-waving workers, there’s humor to be found. These puns offer a lighthearted perspective on those inevitable construction zones that seem to pop up at the most inconvenient times.

Here’s a listing of puns:

  1. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it! And do not read the reports which said there would be no road work done on the way.
  2. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! And it’s a shame the road i swerving on has so much road work!
  3. Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they are shellfish! And road workers are selfish to do all this work and make traffic so bad.
  4. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! And this road work is gummy to my schedule.
  5. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised! I looked surprised when I saw there was extra road work today than usual.
  6. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato! Like all the workers on the site just slacking while traffic builds.
  7. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls! They should be the directors for the road work!
  8. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it! And do not read those stupid signs leading up to the road work.
  9. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless you push him down the stairs. Or you fall down a pothole due to the road work.
  10. I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came completely out of the green! But I still see the road workers in their color vest green.
  11. I hate Russian dolls… they’re so full of themselves! And this road work is full of delays and problems.
  12. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! And all it has is sticks in the area and barrels.
  13. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired! I’m two tired because I’m traveling on a road that’s not even fully made!
  14. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! And you know what’s a fake? The speed in which this road is being made.
  15. What do you call a sad coffee? Depresso. And what am I? Depressed from seeing all this road work ahead.
  16. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! I feel like my mouth is filled with toothpaste and dust from traveling here.
  17. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! Then what should this work crew call this road? Not their road.
  18. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up! Just like the roads cracking up around from the work being done.
  19. What shirt should you wear to a tea party? A T-shirt! I’d rather wear a vest like the construction workers if I stay here long enough.
  20. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! I’m feeling blue enough that I could live in an igloo from being on this road.
  21. Why did the math book say to the guidance counselor? I have so many problems! That’s I have as well with this construction crew making me wait.
  22. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! And what do they have with no teeth? Roads with potholes.
  23. Why did the old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well! Why did the old man fall on the construction side? Because they weren’t paying attention.
  24. What do you call a messy pig? A disgruntaled! That’s the expression of the work crew when you ask them when they’ll finish.
  25. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! And here’s a stick to all the workers on the site messing around.
  26. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! And why do construction workers have dust? Because of the work.
  27. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine! And I’m going to need wine after all this.
  28. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! And this report showed these workers would finish by morning.
  29. Why don’t skeletons play the trombone? They have no guts! They’re all guts-less out here holding us up.
  30. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Maybe the workers should grow up faster, then they’ll fill up the roads faster.
  31. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! But these workers are just outstanding for waiting around.
  32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! All the traffic noise is killing me faster than dental problems would.
  33. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! But the roads will soon meet up and it’ll be like it isn’t even there.
  34. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! This mess is going to cost more than 40 cents for the day.
  35. Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” Might do a better job than these workers out here on the road.

Speed Limit Puns

Those arbitrary numbers posted on signs can be surprisingly comical. Speed limit puns poke fun at our relationship with these regulations, often highlighting the frustration of adhering to them, especially when traffic is already slow.

Here’s a listing of puns for your reading:

  1. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! Like pulling over from breaking the speed limit.
  2. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! And it’s a shame the speed limit isn’t raised higher than it is.
  3. Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they are shellfish! And the traffic police are shellfish for giving people tickets over trivial speedings.
  4. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! And this road’s speed limit is gummy to my schedule.
  5. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised! I looked surprised when I was slowing down so much, but still got a speeding ticket!
  6. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato! I felt like a lazy potato slowing down from beating the speed limit.
  7. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls! They should be the traffic officers, they have a better sense of things.
  8. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it! Don’t speed on the road!
  9. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless you push him down the stairs. Or crash on someone going above the speed limit.
  10. I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came completely out of the green! Even if the speed limit colors are blinding, I will still see the signs to be safe.
  11. I hate Russian dolls… they’re so full of themselves! The traffic police are full of themselves with the speeding.
  12. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! And here’s a stick to all the officers on the site speeding.
  13. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired! I’m two tired because I’m traveling on a road that’s so slow!
  14. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! And this road is making me feel like I’m slow.
  15. What do you call a sad coffee? Depresso. I’m feeling depresso because the roads are so slow, with so much speeders!
  16. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! I’m going to give this tuba to someone so they stop.
  17. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! Then what should the officers call me for speeding.
  18. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up! And I’d crack someone up if I drive too safely.
  19. What shirt should you wear to a tea party? A T-shirt! But I don’t drink tea, I only drive.
  20. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together! I’m cool enough to follow the speed, so I”m making sure.
  21. Why did the math book say to the guidance counselor? I have so many problems! Speeding is not as problematic as some other problems.
  22. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! Like all the people who don’t know the speed limit!
  23. Why did the old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well! Traffic stops at all for me!
  24. What do you call a messy pig? A disgruntaled! I’m going to feel disgruntaled if I see the speed limit is higher than it should be!
  25. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! And here’s a stick to the officers speeding.
  26. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! I’m going to sneeze if I’m safe right now, it’s not fun to stay safe.
  27. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine! And I’m going to need wine after all this speeding.
  28. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! And scientists will give me anything to trust my atoms around speeding.
  29. Why don’t skeletons play the trombone? They have no guts! And here I am losing gas from just moving so slow along the speed limit.
  30. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Maybe the city can grow on me a bit and improve things better in the future.
  31. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! This is outstanding, the road speed needs to be increased.
  32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! This is as hard as the traffic sounds playing slow notes from a tuba.
  33. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! And me and my destination are as close as them.
  34. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! I’m going to feature my concert of rage with me.
  35. Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” I don’t know man.

Traffic Light Puns

Those colorful beacons of order – or frustration – are ripe for comedic exploitation. Traffic light puns play on the meanings of red, yellow, and green, and the agonizing wait for the light to change.

Here’s the pun list:

  1. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! Unless the traffic light is coming fast, I’d drive faster than I should
  2. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! Just like me and the next traffic light, I wish I could break free from this congestion.
  3. Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they are shellfish! And the officers are selfish for not fixing the lights to flow better.
  4. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! And this area over has bad traffic lights all over.
  5. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She Looked surprised! And I looked surprised when I saw I had to stop from the light.
  6. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato! I feel like a potato with the way I’m being stopped.
  7. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls! They have more sense than the traffic signals.
  8. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it! And read whether the green colors are still coming.
  9. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless you push him down the stairs. Or if you crash with another driver.
  10. I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came completely out of the green! I have a hard enough time as is.
  11. I hate Russian dolls… they’re so full of themselves! But I don’t want to be self full!
  12. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! This road is long.
  13. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired! So as I when the light tells me to stop.
  14. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! I hate it!
  15. What do you call a sad coffee? Depresso. That’s the expression of me stopping.
  16. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! This stress is as painful.
  17. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! But you can chose to stop or not.
  18. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up! And the road would crumble up I did something bad.
  19. What shirt should you wear to a tea party? A T-shirt! Well, I’d rather wear a driving outfit.
  20. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
  21. Why did the math book say to the guidance counselor? I have so many problems! Please, do not stop the traffic today.
  22. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! Oh geez not the red lights!
  23. Why did the old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well! Cause I don’t like this traffic well.
  24. What do you call a messy pig? A disgruntaled! I feel gruntled by this road.
  25. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick! Here’s a stick to the road!
  26. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! I have a sneeze to this road of a hassle.
  27. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine! I wish I could drink some driving this here.
  28. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! I don’t trust this here officers either.
  29. Why don’t skeletons play the trombone? They have no guts! I have guts, which I may have to throw away.
  30. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Like how I’m going to have more stress growing on my mind.
  31. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! The traffic is doing the opposite of outstanding.
  32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! It’s as annoying!
  33. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! And so as my destination to going the home road to my destination.
  34. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! The cost is higher than 40 cents for the road now, I’m telling ya!
  35. Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” I don’t know man.

Highway Puns

Stretching across vast distances, highways connect us but also can become conduits for congestion. Highway puns often focus on the long journey, the monotony, and the occasional bizarre sights you encounter on the open road.

Highway to heaven or highway to hell, what the difference is? Here’s some related puns to bring a highway down:

  1. How do you make a tissue dance? you put a little boogie in it. Like the cars boogieing down the highway.
  2. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired! Now me after coming so far along here!
  3. Why don’t skeletons play the trombone? They have no guts! Same here, I have no guts for speeding cause of these cars.
  4. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. Like this highway, it grows more by the year.
  5. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste! I should play for the officers and show my sadness through music.
  6. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Cause this has been one boring field to travel down.
  7. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet! But I’m not them, I’m going to get to my destination soon.
  8. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! I want a concert to save me of all the hassles coming here.
  9. I went to buy a new pair of camouflage trousers yesterday, but I couldn’t find any! Like how there’s no roadwork to find to find!
  10. How do you make a tissue dance. Put a little buggie in it, well I’m no boogie man!
  11. Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” That’s how highway patrol officers respond.
  12. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry! Well, I’m not a blueberry for being on vacation anymore.
  13. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She Looked surprised! Surprise!
  14. Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they are shellfish! That highway patrol officer is not too charitable either!
  15. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear! I’m gummy for being on this road.
  16. What is a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato! Like the officers being lazy for being on this road.
  17. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? Well I’m not going to step on anyone!
  18. I just found I’m colorblind, so the long sight ahead is not working for me.
  19. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Stop the lies guys!
  20. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it, i’m going to cool.
  21. An apple a day keeps the doctor away? I want some aples today!
  22. Why did the old man fall well? Because he looks so well. I don’t see well with all the traffic.
  23. .Why did the math book say to the guidance counselor? I have so many problems? Oh problems with the patrol? I’m sad for that.
  24. What do you call a messy pig? A disgruntled? I’m disgruntled with this road.
  25. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? I don’t think I’m going to come back.
  26. Why do fish live in salt water? Because they are well! That explains the sea.
  27. I hate those Russian dolls. They are well. Don’t be sad anymore.
  28. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology to make thing thing opposite.
  29. What is an apple a day? Doctor is a scam.
  30. I call the green news, the new is going around is getting sad.
  31. My wife is drawing high, and I looked well.
  32. Is a couch potato lazy? I am couch potato.
  33. What do you call fish? I don’t know!
  34. 2024’s traffic is a highway to hell!
  35. What do you call driving there? I am well!

Traffic Jam One-Liners

Sometimes, all you need is a quick, witty observation to cut through the tension. These one-liners deliver maximum comedic impact in minimal time, perfect for a chuckle while inching forward in a sea of cars.

  1. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
  2. Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
  3. My friend thinks he’s so smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.\
  4. I hate when I lose my car keys. But I always find them in the last place I look.
  5. I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, “I want a divorce!” I said, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
  6. I just saw a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
  7. My grandfather’s last words were “I told you so.”
  8. I tried to explain to my 4-year-old that it’s impolite to point. Then she called me out for driving.
  9. I’ve cut back on carbs so much; turns out, I don’t even need a seat anymore.
  10. I’m starting a new band called “999 Megabytes.” We’re not quite there yet.
  11. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance It is not a problem.
  12. Why did the comedian cross the road? To get to the funnier side!
  13. You know what they say: Out of sight, out of mind. I think I have amnesia.
  14. I’m pretty sure my blood type is Ragu.
  15. The trouble with eating seagull eggs? Once you’ve had one, you’ve had them all.
  16. What did Shakespeare say to his girlfriend? “To be or not to be – that is the question.”
  17. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!
  18. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Please, do not buy it!
  19. Today, I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  20. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls!
  21. An apple a day keeps the doctor away… unless you have a good aim.
  22. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  23. Why did the blonde get so excited after finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because the box said 2-4 years!
  24. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick!
  25. I’m thinking of writing an autobiography. I just need to decide what parts to make up.
  26. I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came completely out of the blue.
  27. My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything if I kept lying in bed all morning. She was right. I need to start lying in the afternoon.
  28. Have you heard of the new disease that’s going around? It’s called Monday. I’m not sure what the symptoms are, but I’m already feeling it.
  29. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up!
  30. What shirt should you wear to a tea party? A t-shirt!
  31. My grandfather was a terrible sniper. He shot 8 out of 10 men.
  32. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
  33. What do you call a sad coffee? Depresso.
  34. Why did the math book say to the guidance counselor? I have so many problems!
  35. I saw a sign that said “Watch for Children” I thought, that sounds like a fair trade.

FAQ About Traffic Jokes:

Q1: Why are traffic jokes funny?

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